Beats the hell out of me
by Kaypeethewriter
Summary: 26 year old Olivia hates the idea of Love and humans , because she's been broken by the only person she's ever loved. She's a lawyer by trade, a kick butt lawyer to be exact. Shes lost in herself trying to figure out how to let go of brokenness. 10 years after the worst break up of her life she's stuck.
1. Morning Routines

"Shit, I'm late.. I'm late I can never get anywhere on time because I take so long doing simple shit. Great." I have this conversation in my head when I get into my car and look at the time every single fucking day, yes I'm a curser. I use a lot of profanity in my mind, because who's listening anyway? I pick up my coffee and stare hopelessly out my windshield at the 7,500 cars in front of me. I'm in Fucking traffic. If only I would have straightened my hair last night and not this morning maybe just maybe I'd have made it out the house before the "everybody on their way to work and somebody can't drive and got us all in one spot" traffic. Sitting here just makes me hate humans even more. Yes I hate humans, I really hate humans with a passion. Humans do dumb things, all the time. And you know what's worse than the dumb things they do, they blame it on love and other shit like that. I wasn't always like this though.. People made me this way. A person made me this way. Ugh, just thinking of his name is causing my face to do that thing when you're totally disgusting because you just saw something disturbing. Yup I'm making that face right now because I am thinking about him. I'm always thinking about him, I can't stop thinking about him and it's been 10 years. Who is he you ask? Only the most beautiful, charming, gentlemen who's so freaking great in bed. Oh my gosh if he touched me right now I would literally throw myself at him.. Seriously like a basketball. He'd touch me then I'd be naked. Sorry, I got off topic a bit. I'm a rambler.. Okay he's beautiful and sexy and great and treats a woman very well, but he's an asshole, a jerk, a fucking idiot who broke my heart into a million pieces and I hate him. Seriously right now I could just stomp him in the head, shoot him in his pinky toe, I just want to hurt him so bad. I don't want him dead, I just want him to feel like I did, It's a normal feeling I guess, when someone breaks you you just want them broken. It sucks ass that I feel like this. I feel so stupid because today 10 fucking years later I am still in love with him. Me, Olivia Carolyn Pope I'm in love with Fitzgerald Thomas Grant the 3rd. I hate him so much, and yet I love him so much. Beats the hell out of me.


	2. Heavy

This is a bad morning. This is the WORST morning honestly. I sat in traffic for 3 whole freaking hours and thought about him. The sun beaming on me made me feel almost as if I were wrapped in his warmth. My mind just kept hearing him telling me "you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen" and I just kept reminding myself he doesn't think that about you anymore. You are nothing to him Olivia.. You mean nothing to him. He doesn't care about you. He never did... And I hate myself because I am still thinking about him, right now. Getting out of my car is usually the toughest part of my entire morning routine, because if there is anyone I hate more than Fitz it's my assistant Quinn. She runs to the car wearing a kick ass black leather jacket, which may be the only thing I like about her. Before I can even open my door here she is talking so fast I can feel my head beginning to ache. "OH MY GOSH, there was this dreamy guy in the office looking for you. He said he needed help with his company or something. Idk he said he'd be back at like 5. Anyway I got you tea I know you're trying to stay away from coffee because you said it sometimes has that weird after taste. So yeah this is chamomile tea. I added milk for you and sugar-" I can't take this rambling damn! At least let me out the car. Smiling so she can't read what I'm thinking I say "okay great, do we have any other clients today?" She grabs my bag and I step out the car. "No you just have to go cash the settlement we won with the Cantelberries last week". Great I can go home early and cuddle with my bed and drown in my sadness! "Okay did Abby and Huck come in today? I thought Abby had a thing?" She holds the door open as I walk in "her thing was cancelled she's in her office."

It's 5 o clock and I'm Sitting at this desk pretending that I'm doing something and it sucks ass. I think I should buy a dog or some- knock knock* "Hey Abbs what happened to your thing?" Abby walks over to my desk and instead of sitting her ass in a chair she sits it on my desk. Wow thanks for making my desk a chair. "He cancelled, it's been 5 years Olivia and I still haven't met his parents. 5 years.. You think he's an orphan or something?" Seriously an orphan? "Maybe he's just nervous. Somethings going on with that.. David's been weird about his parents since like middle school." She looks at me curious. "Wait, he was... Because didn't he get like a whipping in front of everyone for peeing himself or something?" We give each other a knowing look and burst into laughter. "Okay that's pretty funny-" In the middle of our conversation in walks Quinn, "hot guys here with another hot guy and he demands to speak with the boss. If you ask me he has the nastiest attitude I've ever came into contact with. Like seriously, have you ever seen that play A Raisin in the sun? he's like ultimate Walter Lee and I don't even know him yet but he's like-" Abby rolls her eyes "shut the fuck up please."

I don't know what happened in the next 20 seconds because all of a sudden the floor became extremely close to my face and everything began to move in slow motion. That face you make when you see something disgusting, I was making that face. Now I don't know if you're going to believe this bullshit but I'll tell you it anyway. That hot client that Quinn interrupted girl talk about, was Fitzgerald fucking Grant the ultimate heartbreaker. Seeing him felt like a knife stabbed me right in my heart and I wanted nothing more but to climb into the Grand Canyon and fill it to the top with tears. Yes, I wanted to cry. Seeing his face was like an instant slow motion replay of how he ruined me 10 years ago and I didn't know if I could stand. But then I remembered I am better than this, I am better than him.. I can't allow him to see me break because he doesn't deserve it. And this jerk had the nerve to say "Damn Liv, you don't look a day older. 10 years made you even more sexy." He licked his lips. "Fitz good to see you, how can I help you?" He makes this disgustingly hot smirk and licks his lips, "First I'd like to bang you, then I'd like for you to handle a lawsuit for me." He's a certified asshole. He knows "bang" is my least favorite word that's why he said it. "Who's suing you?" And for some reason in that moment I wanted to jump his bones right then and there even though my mind was telling me "he fucking hurt you you idiot". Beats the hell out of me.


	3. The BS Fairy

It's so scary how you can just wish the devil up right? Here I am thinking about this man and he shows up at my firm instantaneously. Bull fucking shit. This is some crazy you'd read about in a book or see in a movie, and it's happening to me. I just love how Im a target for the bullshit fairy. I guess she just piles arrows with bullshit and shoots them at me.. Which is sad because she doesn't care if I'm sitting on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out. She has no idea how badly I crave his unneeded presence. I crave his unapologetic need to be an asshole, but I hate him so much I want nothing more than for him to never be in my line of sight again. Ugh oxymoronic bullshit...

Anyway, so Fitz is standing here and explaining how his ex wife is divorcing him and wants half of his company and all I can think about is how much I hate him. " I hope she beats the hell out of you too on top of taking half your company." Is really what I want to say. But out of respect and pure professionalism I stay quiet. "I need your help Olivia she can't take half the company it meant so much to my dad and you're the best lawyer I know. I'll pay very well." As if he's reading the no from my face he pulls out a pen and writes 2,000,00$ on a sheet of paper and slides it to Abby. Abby looks at me and mouths out the words "sorry". He looks at me hopelessly and finally I speak, "Alright, we'll help you. Abby go find out everything you can about what did you say her name wa-" he looks at me and slowly mouths outs. "Melody Grant." I nod, "Find out everything you can about Melody Grant. Huck see how much the company is worth and how long it's been in the family. Somebody call Harrison and tell him I have a job for him. Quinn go get me coffee put some cream and sugar in it. After that's done bring it in here." They all scurry around leaving Fitz, his friend, and me in the room alone. His friend finally says something."Oh I'm Stephen by the way." I really don't care. "Great it's nice to meet you." No it's not. Then that's when I notice it. Fitz is staring at me. I mean he's staring at me like he can see my soul, it made me feel so naked. No not naked naked but emotionally naked. Almost vulnerable. Then he speaks. "I really am sorry Olivia." I can't stop my mind from saying Are you fucking serious? I really am sorry Olivia? This mf has some nerve. You're sorry? You can honestly keep that. I don't need your apology I don't need you standing in front of me right now. Yet I say nothing, although I'm consumed with my thoughts. For ten minutes we had the most intense stare down in the history of stare downs. I mean I was basically tearing him apart with my eyes. He finally speaks."Can we talk in private?" Hell the fuck no. And this is what I don't get, I guess my heart talked to my mouth before my mind did because I said the DUMMEST shit, I mean seriously Olivia why? "Follow me to my office." This is what I can't grasp about feelings, why am allowing someone who tore me apart to walk into my office with me alone to talk about how he hurt me?

He follows close behind me I mean so close that I can feel him breathing on my neck. We walk in and he closes the door behind himself. This can either end one of two ways, either one we don't talk and he just takes me right now on this desk... Orr two we talk and I walk out of here more hurt than I was when I walked in. He stands there silently taking in the atmosphere of my office. "Your office.. It's very you." What the fuck does that mean? "I need a drink." I walk over to my desk and quickly grab my wine and a glass from my bottom drawer and sit down. "You want a glass?" He looks at me suspiciously, "no, I just want to talk to you." Aw hell Im not having sex on this desk today. "I'm listening.." He sits down on the sofa directly in front of my desk and I can see tears pooling in his eyes. Are you serious, now you're going to cry? I take a sip of wine to calm myself. "I don't know how to say this.. But I keep thinking about you and how we ended. I mean I know it was 10 years ago and you were only 16. And things got so messy... But I think about you everyday and I just I can't help but feel bad about the way.. How I treated you it wasn't right. I guess what I want to say is I'm sorry for hurting you." By the time he let out that last word my entire glass of wine was down my throat. I filled my glass up again, and I drank it all. I mean what does he expect me to feel? I have sat on my bedroom floor every night for the past ten years and yearned for this apology. He was my world, and I guess that's why my life was so fucking empty when he left.. So yeah I needed some liquid courage to speak because I could feel pain growing in the back of my throat.."What was the point of you telling me this?" He looks down as if he's afraid of me. Twiddling his hands that I wished her wrapped around me. "I just.. I thought maybe you think about me too." I pour more wine in my glass, I take one sip. He hurt you Olivia he hurt you... I am someone who believes there's a beauty in truth, that it undoubtedly gives the blind vision... so I speak. "You know, I do.. I think about you all the time Fitz. Because the way we ended... The way you treated me. I think about it every day. I just kept asking myself what did I do? Was it because I was younger than you? I mean I was only 16 and I was a Senior in high school and you were 19 and in college. And you had your own place and I lived with my parents... But I was so stupid for you, I thought the world of you. Hell you were my world.. I would've done anything for you I really would've. But what was it about me that wasn't enough? What was it about me that made you say those things to me? Did you ever even love me, or care about me? Or mean any of those things you said to me? I remember when I first met you.. I hated myself so much, but I thought it was okay because YOU thought I was perfect. You told me every single day that I was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen.. I believed you... I don't anymore... It's been 10 years and I hate you so much for everything you did to me... Every lie you told me... And you're sitting in my office apologizing for damage you did 10 years ago... You know what, I think you're ten years too late Fitz, 10 years too fucking late." He looks up at me aware that he's done some damage. And I can see it, the guilt pooling inside of him ready to explode into my office floor. "It's never too late to right a wrong.." He looks at me, and his eyes are telling me a story that I don't want to hear. He's the worst kind of asshole.. He's the kind that apologizes for his bullshit because he doesn't want it on his conscience. "You know what beats the hell out of me? The fact that you think about the worst day of my life as a "wrong" a wrong. Wow. How about after I win this little divorce bullshit for you, how about you forget I ever existed? How about you never think about me again for the rest of your life?" I can see my words echoing in his head and replays of our last encounter echo in my mind. He stands up, looking as if I'd broken him. This moment should make me feel like an ass kicker, I should feel like I won the damn Olympics, I told him about himself I gained bragging points. I gave him a vocal assassination. But for some reason it just breaks me even more. I am aware of my feelings for him because breaking him, breaks me. He looks me in the eyes and brings these words straight from the bottom of his heart, "Olivia, I did love you. I do love you." His words spill into me like a faucet meeting a bath. The second he's out the door my legs give out underneath me and I hit the ground. I can't believe it but for some reason I believe his lying ass. I believe him, he loved me. He loves me. Beats the hell out of me.


End file.
